By Friday I need to submit my name and be counted in the 13th WKC squad selection. There was this massive squad email, together with my dojo's recommendation email, that kept me thinking for all times.
Frankly it is not the most convenient time to think. My wisdom tooth is so sore that I went to the dentist today (tooth still in and sore), made a painful effort talking on the phone and going to Nihongo class... Adding to the freelance work in hand that I am not sure whether the client is going to pay for - there's simply no reason why I should be packing for the squad tonight. That's why I have time to sit and type stuff.
Nor it is the best time of the year to commit to regular attendance in the squad. Be it continuing my freelance career or taking on an internship, work is going to be terribly unstable with ridiculous working hours (been there, done that). Even though I planned to get to Fukuoka, there is no promise about what I am going to live on after June (Without work, seems like money in the bank is only enough for till then, and that is without any further dental expenses)...
Chances is that I can find work somewhere anywhere during this period of time, but being an up-to-standard squad member can be, well, out of my imagination.
Seeing my performance (with 2 mins of video review) at recent taikai, I wonder where I'll go anywhere better within 4 months' time (when the squad will be officially selected). Not devoted, no improvement, no good at shiai, below-average attendance, no cash... the list can go on and on. Is there a point signing up and got kicked out before making it to the selection, let alone training till the end of the year and got scored against within 10 seconds?
Finally, I didn't even go tonight. Doesn't that speak a lot about my attitude right now?
Maybe with a 99-degree fever I am just hallucinating...
2 comments:
Hi,
I understand some of your dilemma. Don't fall into the trap of thinking that because there is the risk of failure you won't try.
Sounds like there is a lot of instability in your life right now. Maybe Kendo can be a stable foundation to anchor yourself to?
Perhaps taking the harder option may help you discover more about yourself and push you to find out what you're really capable of. Don't ever give up!
Gambatte o kudasai!
Thank you Mr Anonymous. You made me think about a lot of things people had been telling me. We'll see...
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